Tips How Not To Act Like An A**Hole
Thursday, July 1, 2010, 4:44 AM | Leave Comment
It’s a difficult subject and no one likes to talk about it. But You must have heard yourself or others saying something like “What an asshole!” At one time or another, some of us who are over 50 years old have seen employees advance in their career who openly act like an asshole. They have come out of the closet so to speak.
However, you don’t have to be an asshole to get to the top even though the characteristics of being one definitely will help.
I have been writing about how to advance in your career by being a smart worker with integrity, helping others especially your juniors.
Sometimes I think it’s a lot of bull shit – integrity and all. We don’t see it often these days. But that’s one end of the spectrum of how to advance in your career. Last time, I touched upon the other end of the spectrum, To get ahead at work, try annoying coworkers.
Today I decided to take it a step further and write about getting ahead at work by becoming an asshole and with a little trying you can become one, easier than you thought.
That might show some disappointment on my part in the workplace. Once in a while, I act like an asshole myself, like right now writing about it. But the difference is I never got to the top on the corporate ladder. I always remained at the bottom.
Most of the assholes are at the top of the heap. That’s why when they shit and screw up, the economy falters.
To put it mildly, they don’t even have to shit. When they fart, the economy falters. It’s as simple as that. Not only the economy, but they can bring down the whole environment on the ground and on water.
Classic Case in point: BP chief executive Tony Hayward took a day off Saturday June 19 to see his 52-foot yacht “Bob” compete in a glitzy race off England’s shore, a leisure trip that further infuriated residents of the oil-stained Gulf of Mexico Coast.
Whether he is an asshole or not in his daily professional life, he sure acted like one, plus the arrogance that he has been displaying time and again.
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How do you become an asshole?
Do you have to go to school for that? I don’t think so unless the schools start offering classes in assholeology. Maybe they do. I gotta check on that.
The question is who would teach that class. You guessed it – an asshole. Do you have to go to some institution for that?
Maybe, depending on what kind of institution it is. But you can become one just by tryin’ a little – not much just a little.
First, you need a plan of action. Start by thinking like an asshole. However, some assholeology experts suggest to not go the distance. I say go all the way.
Either you are a complete asshole or you are not. Come out of the closet. This is America. Nobody minds and can’t tell the difference from one f****** shit to another.
We have accepted so many shits in our lives. Why not an asshole. If we have accepted an asshole, what’s wrong with becoming one.
It’s a free country, ain’t it? Practice makes perfect as the saying goes – so practice and practice a lot.
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The characteristics of a successful asshole
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The asshole
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looks always busy
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would give the impression how important he is to the company
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would claim credit about every success to anyone who will listen
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would say “It’s not my job” as his first line of defense
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is here to make money anyway his assholeship can
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would go to the extreme to be selfish
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would show extreme arrogance
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A Story has been passed along…
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
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Management Lesson:
You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.
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When you become an asshole, what kind of problems can you face?
No problems. No nothing. You will climb up the corporate ladder so fast, the blink of an eye would seem too slow. You will be happy as hell even if you don’t go to hell.
In a Nutshell
If you want to become an asshole, go ahead, become one. You would be surprised how fast you climb up the corporate ladder. You don’t have to even touch the door knob to open it. Doors would open automatically. You would not feel lonely at the top. That’s for sure.
I must apologize to the assholes of the world by writing this article. However, to keep the record straight, I meant every word of it.
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